Awaking or Insanity?

Free Shipping Offers are Good for My Sex Life

2009-07-30T14:02:00.004-04:00

I should be receiving a shipment of sex toys from http://www.edenfantasys.com today. As I await the package I came to a realization free shipping offers are good for my sex life. Whenever I look to buy something online, I always look at how much they charge for shipping. I hate having a surprise when I go to check out and look at the shipping line. One of the reasons I went with Edenfantasys was the clearly announced 5.95 flat shipping rate, the other is the 15% coupon code I got off of Hey Epiphora. I was planning to buy only one toy and then I saw the free shipping on orders over 59+ and I decided "might as well" and bought two toys and some lube to get the free shipping.

This is not the first case of something like this. The other case is Amazon offers free shipping on orders over $25 I’ve used them to buy the majority of the books in my erotica collection and like the above I’ve bought more books then I would have otherwise in order to get free shipping. Furthermore most of the erotica I buy (mainly stuff from nexus also qualify for their 4 for 3 offer). My erotica collection would be much smaller without these offers.

Just a little random nugget of insight; goes back to waiting for the delivery person to bring a little fun into his life.

P.S. I've played a good amount of poker in my life, yet I've never been aroused by the idea of strip poker until I saw something in Edenfantasies stock, eventual blog post coming on that.

Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse is an Abomination (part 1)

2009-07-29T23:13:00.001-04:00

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I hate dollhouse. I hate Joss Whedon for being its creator. I hate Fox for renewing it for a second season (one of the lowest rated show on a major network to be renewed ever). I temporally hated my own gender (and myself) for being complacent in the rape culture the show ultimately supports even while the head writer pats himself on the back for being a feminist. I have tried multiple times to write a full review eviscerating this piece of trash especially the season finial “Omega” but the fire in the back of my eyes stops me. I will shameful admit that I was enjoying the show until the piece of total trash that was “Omega” hit the airways. The show was deeply flawed before that episode but at its high point “Briar Rose”, I truly thought the writers got it. Then “Omega” hit and it was clear to me no they did not; not only did I hate "Omega" it made me hate all the preceding episodes; I hate that has only grown exponentially and as I will explain in part two it made me hate me. The writers of the show may want to write something meaningful but they lack the ability to do so. They may want to deconstruct the white knight complex but all they can do is regurgitate it. They may want to make meaningful commentary but all they can do is become complacent in supporting a rape culture they supposedly decry.

The way “Omega” went from deconstructing the white knight complex (Ballard in “Blare Rose” was brilliantly reduced from his self-image of a white knight to that of the horse) to giving us an example of a white knight in Omega was sicken. Ballard gets to in some way save ¾ women on the show: Adelle, Mille (Who he raped!) and Echo/Caroline. He get to be a hero even when him being one ran completely contrary to how the show has been laying the themes of the show and his character all the while making the shows women look like fools.

Ballard before “Omega” was portrayed as an ass kicking but incompetent, foolhardy FBI agent: that can’t close; has no friends or allies except maybe one; has no resource he can leverage; can’t interrogate (he captures a dollhouse client and lets him mind-screw him); twice fell for a dollhouse ambush; only got anywhere in his investigation because other characters feed him clues; rushes into criminal hideouts unprepared, and let’s not forget rapes his girlfriend. Before Omega, he got what you would expect; then came Omega. All of a sudden, he is a brilliant investigator that the dollhouse (that is run by a she) needs to be able to catch the renegade Alpha. First off, did the writers forget their own premise? You can create experts on demand what skill could the incompetent Ballard have (and even if he did have a unique skill they could just download the skill) that they couldn’t get in house?.... ….The brilliant skill of looking at files. Yes, you read that right the brilliant insight he had was to look at his file. No, not picking up something in his file no one else did. No, he had the idea to look at his file before he came along apparently this advanced criminal organization did not think to look at his file until now. This is horrible writing just from a plot perspective. However, add to that the person who is arguing that files ,devices that are used to store useful information, can’t possible contain useful information is female along with everything else in the episode it become imposable for me not to look at this in gendered terms. Adele may be an evil manipulative female rapist but she has always been portrayed as being intelligent “I played a poor hand well”. Yet she needs Ballard to tell her what files are for, ya that makes sense.

Some would say her hesitance to looking at the file is in character because of her loyalty to the dollhouse and that they all believe the technology is perfect and that is why she did not look. Bullshit! Although the series the characters fully understood that their technology isn’t perfect (“Scrubbing” “The Attic”). The episode “Needs” is the perfect example they put back the original personalities so they could work out issues steam from the originally personality shining through. Adelle fully approved of this gambit, which put the dollhouse organization at great risk. When Saunders proposed the idea she showed no skepticism she in fact seemed curious and was willing to test it yet now in Omega both her and Tropher are all like “that is impossible!”. Why the inconstancies, because without them Ballard could not be a hero.

After that, our rapist/knight gets to negotiate the release of Mille (the girlfriend he raped), which to the dollhouse organization is the loss of a valuable asset in exchange for his services (again what services, the ability to read files?). Let me get this straight having captured the Dollhouse’s sworn enemy; the female head of the dollhouse instead of killing him, mind wiping him or in some other way neutralizing the threat offers the threat a job ,inside the organization he wants to take down, and gives him a massive concession in order to convince him to take it. Again, this does not make sense no matter how you look at it but again Ballard the White Knight is being elevated and Adelle a female is being made to look like a complete idiot.

If it was Adelle alone maybe it would be tolerable but its every female character let’s move on to Echo/Caroline. The show in "Briar Rose" talked about saving yourself and yet does Echo/Caroline get to save herself? No not really, she goes a few rounds with Alpha and yet when it comes time to save Caroline’s “wedge” who get to save it-- Ballard. Let back up a second. Echo at this moment in time had “composited” meaning she was the most super-powered women on Earth and the most super-powered women to ever exist in the dollhouse universe. What does being the most powerful women ever get you in dollhouse-verse? Not much. She fights Alpha for a few rounds and knocks him down, but apparently not even with 38 brains can a women have enough genre savvy to makes sure her opponent is down for the count before staying in the room having a conversation. Again, horrible writing just in it of itself; but again it cuts one-way makes the female look like an idiot while the male benefits. Same thing with Ballard catching the wedge why did they have to make him the big hero that saves the day that even if it wasn’t consent with his characterization as the horse? Furthermore, in the draft of the script the scene was even more “My Hero!” from what I’ve heard from those that have read it. If they really felt Echo couldn’t save herself it not like they had 2 just normally super powered women on-hand to do it instead… o wait they did. And dear God I just realized this now…one of those normally super powered women was the shows last major female character. What does that character do immanently upon waking in “Omega” she starts rubbing up against and aggressively coming on to the white knight/rapist. As I said, I just hate the show more and more every time I think of it.

However, I have even more problems with how the writers treated Echo/Caroline; although Echo Caroline was seen as being special; in Omega what is that specialness? Is it the power of her will? Is it her real self bursting through (annoying, eco-terrorist wanna-be that it maybe) through? Is it a commentary on female empowerment, on the power of the human spirit? No it is because Alpha believes she is hot it is a commentary on how men want to fuck Eliza Dushku. At least one person has argued that the show is an exploration of dark male sexual desire and that might have worked quite well until we hit “Omega”. If the show was supposed to be about destructive male desire then it clear Alpha and Ballard where supposed to parallel one another they are both suffering from the The Dulcinea Effect. Yet again Omega ruins it all if were supposed to parallel they both should have been taken down a peg not Alpha being a stereotypical villain and Ballard being elevated as a hero. Ballard’s story (and the season) should have ended with him becoming a doll after being reduced to the horse in Briar Rose that would have been perfect that would have fit the themes of the show… but no they had to write Omega. And yet it doesn’t stop there Super!Echo the most powerful women on Earth voluntary goes back so she could be mind-wiped, enslaved and then repeatedly raped. Why the hell would she (or anyone) do that! Especially after the speech she gave to herself. Ok, bad but did she just after being mind wiped give a gesture of affection (ship-tease?) to the man who did the mind-wiping to the man who just took away her agency, her freewill and will send her out to be repeatedly raped? Yes she did! *ugh*

Let’s continue way the shows treatment of gender and rape. Both the Ballard/Mille and Adelle /Victor rapist/victim ships are popular in the show fandom. The fact that people don’t seem to get that Ballard undeniable raped mille and that Adelle undeniable raped Victor frightens me; they where brainwashed they couldn’t consent or withdraw consent. It was rape. Period. You could say that is not the writers fault but in Omega they clear want us to feel sorry for Ballard (rapist) being separated from Millie (his victim). I don’t mind watching a show where one of the charterers is a repentant rapists but that the show apparently expect me to forgive him in two episodes to the point of feeling sorry for him losing the women he raped sickens me. Also might make me more sympathetic if said rapists didn’t just take a job working for Rape Incorporated.

That so many people don’t seem to understand what consent is and by extension what rape scares me. The original personality in each of these dolls is in the equivalent of insulin coma; they can’t consent it is rape period. If you think the imprints have person-hood then the fact they have a “parameters” that forces then to have sex with the “clients” means, the imprint is under the influence of a date rape drug; they can’t consent it is rape period. All the talk I’ve seen of well the imprint enjoy it (physical responses does not consent make); well it part of the imprint personality (shades of the blame victim “she was asking for it”); well she signed a contract (1. you can’t sign a contract to become a salve. 2. “Shades of prostitutes can’t be raped”); and the lovely he had to rape Mille to keep his “cover”; he had to rape Mille to live excuse (ya right, the women made the man rape her), is disturbing.

Some might say they have show rape as evil; but in context, it only helps perpetuate the same rape culture the shows supposedly feminist creator supposedly hates. The rapists that are portrayed as pure evil are caricatures (Nylon, Hearn) mustache twirling villains (let call them stranger rape); yet other rapists (Ballard, Adelle, to an extent the internet mogul) are seen as people we should emphasize with and there victim seen as enjoying it (let calls this acquaintance /domestic rape). See a problem, yet? Some may say the show is built around unfortunate implications while some are intentional unfortunate implications on the writers part the majority of what makes may angry is clearly unintentional.

I will admit some of the shit that makes me angry about dollhouse is not directly the fault of the writers per say but peoples reaction to it. Thanks to this show, we have people debating whether people on can sign a contract to become a sex slave and whether or not have sex with someone who can’t consent is rape or not. On that same note when you see reviews on line call the actives rape victims and then “whores” without missing a beat in between that is when you know your work hasn’t brought out the best in humanity. The writers may not be directly responsible, as they did not directly encourage or condone these ideas, but they are responsible to an intent because they opened a door there was no need to open.

Someone told something more or less this in response to my complaints about “omega”: what do you expect them to do scream rape is evil; why can’t they “broaden or complexify” the issues? This writers are directly reasonable for this, they created ambiguity, they wanted this. Problem is rape is evil, very, there is no complexity there is nothing to broaden. What the characters on this show do isn’t complicated they are rapists getting us to feel sympathy with the rapists because he is stressed about work (Ballard) or lonely (Adella) or mourning his wife (that internet guru in Man on the Street) crosses a line, it is making excuses, it is contributing to rape culture. Let me put it this way if someone made a show where "A Modest Proposal" wasn’t satire but a realistic solution to societies ill would that show be praised as brilliant and challenging? If we made a show where African Americans are shown as being slaves working for white masters doing manual labor (note that there no black dolls on the show), even if they thought up of some plot deceives to try and rationalize it (or as some would say “broaden or complexify” it). Would we praise it (and honor it creator for his work on race relations). No, it would be rejected by society and really with the ratings this show got it was rejected by society (1). Oh and now that I mentioned the internet mogul. Did the show just have us believe that Echo wanted to go back and be raped? I think it did (If you have not noticed by now there is a lot of rape on this show).

What is most scary about this is that the writers did to an extent get it right. The deconstruction of the White Knight complex in Blare Rose didn’t happen by chance. Yet, Omega got too many things wrong for that to be random either and that is when two phrases I understood intellectual and may have even used suddenly took on real power and meaning in my mind: institutionalized sexism and patriarchy. This is what struck me, for the first time in my life I realized how deeply ingrained misogyny, sexism, and patriarchy are in our culture. They are so deeply ingrained in the troupes that define fiction in the our idea of how a story should unfold. So ingrained that even when trying to defy conventions these “feminists” authors could only succeed in reinforcing them and to me the whiplash caused by the shift seen between "Blare Rose" and "Omega" made it far worse then a direct slap to the face would. The realization rocked me to my core.

I hate this show with a fiery passion. A passion that as I said above, made me hate myself for an extended period of time. This show is what made me temporally join the rad-fem contingent, as much as I hate to admit it this show has changed me permanently as a human being. This is why even thought I had to stop multiple times because of all the negative emotions the welled up inside of me; even thought I know writing this has put in a bad place and I’ll probably be here for another day when I write part two; even as this tempts the fury of rabid Joss Whedon fans; I had to write to this. There have been three events in the past few months that have changed the nature of how I approach life and in a rare occurrence; I can date 2 of them. Watching this trash on May 8, 2009 is one of them, the second event was what brought me fully out of that rad-fem phase (and in too a less counterproductive form of feminism) that occurred July 3 ,2009; that and what happened between the two points, and how it has all changed my outlook on life is part 2.

Other reasons Omega sucks not related to its treatment of women and rape:
The composite events where seen up until Omega as a spontaneous occurrence however in Omega the composite event was basically an industrial accident. This does not make sense the only reason Alpha was a threat was because of the skills he gained when he composited (the industrial accident). He may have experience soon serious bleed-through of his original personality but before the chair incident (where 48 personalities where downloaded simultaneously) the biggest threat he posed was causing non-fatal lacerations, big threat. This big bad composite event scenario was something that is completely under the dollhouse control the bleed through events “glitches” aren’t anything that an organization like the dollhouse should consider a threat or the NSA for that matter yet both the dollhouse and the NSA mole where scared shitless by the threat. Bleed thru could not have been a new thing for the dollhouse at the time of the chair incident either they had Tropher was running a “diagnostic” on Alpha and they were about to send him to the “Attic”; neither of these thing would have been necessary unless they have already seen dolls majorly “glitch”. If slashing whiskey was the worse, they have ever seen it was only because of the nature of his original personality you could easy prevent that too by not picking homicidal maniacs to be dolls. A look at his intake file would have sol…right those intake files you go thought the time and effort to collect but think are useless. Who runs this place? o right…*sigh*. Now if composite event can’t occur spontaneously only bleed thought the plot of “Needs” no longer makes sense as its point was to prevent the spontaneous composite events we have no evidence of being possible. The plots of the “Target” and “Grey Hour” no longer make sense, as the theory was that Alpha was trying to trigger a composite event in Echo. In Omega, however all he had to do to trigger the event was break into the dollhouse and get the necessary equipment; all Target and Grey Hour did was put the dollhouse on alert counterproductive to his goal.

Also just Alpha in “man on the street” it was speculated that the dollhouse technology would be the end of humanity as we know it. In Briar Rose Alpha was an intelligent threat, what with the batman gambit he pulled. In omega he is a stark raving mad “my Gods” yelling psychopath, uninteresting, I honestly imagined some L&O detective bursting in and saving the day, he was no longer an intimidating threat. There is a putdown Echo deliveries to Alpha that illustrates what I feel about Alpha; most people loved the one-liner me it made me roll my eyes Alpha was so insane that letting the thing speak for itself would have been a more powerful way of saying he’s crazy. Alpha should have on some level actually been transcendent he should have been the failed prototype for humanity 2.0 and that is what should have been what was scary.

Lastly Caroline’s wedge surviving; set aside the implication of Ballard catching it discussed above, it would have been more dramatically powerful if the wedge smashed to the ground. We would then have to be seriously invested in Echo’s journey; her growing self-awareness would then be the only way for her to be free, to be a real person.

(1) This is an important distinction ; as I’m fully against government censorship I will viscously defend Joss’s right to write this trash and Fox right to put the trash on the air doesn’t mean it isn’t any less a piece of trash.

The Beauty and Mystery of Double (and Triple!) Penetration

2009-07-24T22:40:00.004-04:00

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For as long as I can remember understanding what a double penetration is I have been fascinated by the act; same for its big brother triple penetration. I never been part of one or any group sex experience for that matter but in porn they are my favorite things to watch. Double penetration (DP), being one cock in the cunt and one in the ass at the same time; triple penetration (TP) being one in every hole: ass, pussy, and mouth. Oral along with pussy or ass penetration can also be a double penetration ,however, for this post I’m only talking about “sandwiching” not “split roasting”.* I figured I’d post on this topic eventually if I kept doing this blogging thing long enough, but I didn’t think it be for a good long time. However, a brief twitter exchange 2 days ago lit a fire under me that moved this post to the top of the query:

@AlexaRPD Would you be opposed to doing 3 males at once? I mean in a place where space restrictions don’t apply course.
@namelesschaos No. Not only would I not be opposed to it, I'd enjoy it. I've done a 10-man blowbang before (professionally).
@AlexaRPD I recall that story ;) more specifically I’m wondering if you would be willing to do a Triple Penetration in such a situation.
@namelesschaos Absolutely.
@AlexaRPD Thank you for answering. You have no idea how hot I find that one word tweet to be right now. Now I must… well...you know ;)

That last tweet is true and the fact that I was so absolutely aroused by the word “Absolutely” shocked me (I swear titillation was not my goal when I asked the question…was a nice windfall thou). I mean it isn’t as if I was at all surprised by her willingness I mean it’s Alexa, she's like the Obi Wan of sexual exploration, and yet I was set absolutely (I may be developing a fetish for this word lol) ablaze. So after doing that which needed to be done (1) I decided to strike while the iron (cock?) was hot and write this post. So without further ado the beauty and mystery of the DP and TP:

How must it feel to be penetrated by two or three people simultaneously? How much different must the feeling of having all your holes filled at once compare to having them filled individually? How much must it affect the sexual response feedback loop between partners when you’re responding to data from three different points when each of your partners are free to concentrate on just one? How do you approach the task of pleasing two or three individuals all going at your body from different orifices, different victors, at different rhythms; of different sizes; etc. Do the feeling vary significantly if the partners merely change “stations”? Does anyone even do these things outside of porn? So on and so forth. All of these are questions that as a male, I will never know the answer to and I just find that fascinating.

That last paragraph is the short version of what fascinates me about multiple penetrations. Now if you will indulge me, my longer musing on this topic. As I said in my last post, the biggest reason I love watching DP/TPs is the mystery of how it must feel for the women on the receiving end of so much attention. There is also something about being on the receiving end that just seems inherently female about the act to me. You could say there is a mystery to how the other gender feels most sexual acts however; something about the DP/TP is unique to me. Even the most vanilla heterosexual sex has the opposing penetrator/ penetrated dynamic right so what makes DP so unique to me? Strangely, for lack of a better way of saying it, the perfect diametrical opposition of the traditional sexual roles makes them easier to process. When it comes to DP/TP it is the lack of such a symmetrical equivalent that is so intriguing to me. Confused? Let me expand. Some would say there is an equivalent action on the male end, mainly giving (via penis whatever orifice interaction) and receiving (anal) simultaneously. Seem to be the DP’s diametrical twin at first glance however looking at the psychology and role dynamics they seem to be very different (especially if you factor in the homophobia in our culture) acts to me.

Traditionally a woman’s role is that of the “penetrated” and the man’s that of the “penetrator”. This is why the giving and receiving situation above does not really compare to a DP to me. In the giving/receiving situation the man would simultaneously playing the role of penetrator and the penetrated. Add oral penetration and it would be 1/3 the traditional role and 2/3 going against the traditional sexual role. (Do women ever think about how that must feel for guy the same way I wonder how a DP must feel for a gal?). To compare a DP or TP on a women represents an almost hyper-exaggeration of her traditional role she becomes 2x or 3x the penetrated; that what a mean when I say there is something incredibly female about it all. This is also, why I say there is a lack of easy symmetry, there is no act that is the “true” opposite of a DP for me. Unlike the straightforward dynamics of typical penetrative sex, I can’t even try and relate to it via being its diametrical opposite; if that makes any sense.

On that note, the next thing that turns me on is that while it is female in the sense I described above it is not feminine, at least not in the delicate china doll that is easily broken sense of the word. If anything with the sheer amount of movement and friction there is almost an inherent degree of roughness to it. The sexual-aggressiveness and confidence inherent in a woman that would want to be simultaneously fucked by three men, let alone the actually doing it, isn’t exactly what proper society would consider “lady like” behavior. What does it say about this sexual warrior that she is ready, willing, and eager to take on her opponents three at a time? Who wouldn’t find that hot?

Continuing in that vein there is the fact that the act is taboo “something you’re not supposed to do” that adds to the allure as well. I find group sex in any forum is arousing in this regarded. The implicated rejection of the “save it for yur one tru luv” sexual ethic (and for that matter one at the time serial monogamy sexual ethic) makes it quite arousing. How much bigger rejection of the save it for “the one” mindset can you get then having three people inside you at once. How must that fact make the women in the center of the storm feel for that matter?

While wondering how the women must feel is the biggest part of what turns me on about this. I’m also curious about what being “part of the crowd” must feel like. For one thing what I’ve read says the membrane between the vagina and rectum is thin and you can feel the other guys thrusts through it and while it may cause some to question my sexuality (I’m heterosexual) that turns me on further. I may be feeling his movements but their being transmitted via her wall while I am inside of her. I do realize that ball-slapping and other “gay” things would occur but that just to me seem like unnecessary homophobia. I mean if I said I was willing to get some shit on my dick in order to do a women’s ass (see Sex is Dirty). Does that mean I’m into coprophilia (scat)? No it means I realize what the nature of the beast is. So what if you may rub up against another guy a bit? Shrug it off and focus on fucking the girl in front of you!

For that matter how considering the above does the math work out on how many people are fucking who? Since the guys aren’t directly touching each other does that mean each guy is fucking one person while the girl is fucking three? Or does all the kinetic energy being throw around in such close proximity mean everyone is pretty much fucking everyone else? So many questions.

And that is why I’m absolutely (there’s that word again) fascinated with double and triple penetrations. Now for the part where I scare myself because I start talking like I actually have readers and this isn’t just (for now) an echo chamber. So anyone have thoughts on this? Agree? Disagree? I’m the only one that has these crazy thoughts on this? Anyone have experience with this? (O how he wishes he was in a situation where he could collect “field data” on the topic)

(1) Getting it done almost become a post entitled “What the fuck does a guy have to do to masturbate to a Twitter post around here?” After I read that tweet I had to immediately leave to run an errand, which took far longer than expected (Did the traffic lights in Miami-Dade County always takes this long to change?). Once I got home I was interrupted *twice* by a phone call I had to take as I was approaching my climax. All that waiting did make the final release quite sweet however.

*Note: I have a short of part two to this post planed were I discuss that and other related acts. Stay tuned nonexistent readers. Also one final thing although I’m thinking of DP and TP where all the penetrating objects are fleshy I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’ve forgotten what can be done with a strap-on.

The irony of rad-fem and porn

2009-07-19T22:06:00.000-04:00

It amazing what you see when you get rid of years of social, religious and political indoctrination. I see many things differently now, many many things. One thing that surprised me was I found myself looking at porn differently. I was watching Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex and throughout her scene with Derrick Pierce, I found myself imagining what it must be like for her, as she is doing the scene, how being roughed up must make her feel, how good it must feel for her. After finishing the scene, I realized that the same thoughts were in my mind with the other scenes I have watched since me and porn became friends again.

Reflecting on this I realized something these types of thoughts are not new, they have always been there. One of the first things that entered in to my mind was watching Kink.com’s The Training of O; the emotional and physiological aspects of what the scenes entailed were always fascinating. In particular, I was thinking of Bobbi Starr’s session learning to talk dirty; testing her limits with the hood, etc indeed one of the most powerful moments in the whole thing for me was seeing her appear to be genuinely sad that the experience was ending. (On that note, I so want to see her Men in Pain scene now). Even more so I have always been fascinating by the act know as, double penetration, one cock in the pussy and one in the ass. A major reason for this is wondering how it must feel for the women. I have always enjoyed watching group sex in my porn and this is a big part of why. Thinking about it a good size chunk of my porn preferences are based on wondering what is going on inside a women’s mind and body during the act. It isn’t just visual porn either. Looking at my erotica collection, I definitely enjoy reading stories written in a female point of view more than those written from a male point of view. Furthermore, women also wrote the stories I enjoyed the most. (1)

So given all the above what made watching Penny Flame’s scene worthy of note? I realized that the thoughts focused on the women’s pleasure were sharing the same plane as the rest of my thoughts. “Yes, take it bitch!” and “God that must feel good for her!” (2) were sharing the foreground instead of the former taking the foreground and the latter being pushed into the background. How could have something so fundamental to my enjoyment of porn and my sexuality in general been regulated to the background for so long. That was when I realized how deep social indoctrination could go. I realized that even before my brief, misguided, “What The Fuck Was I Thinking!” time spent as a rad-fem I had already internalized many of their inherently sex negative views. I’m reminded of one reason women often enjoy being called dirty names. If only sluts enjoy sex and your enjoying sex why not take the moniker and run with it. If the only way a man can enjoy porn (especially of the rough sex or BDSM variety) is if he is a selfish, uncaring, misogynistic bastard than is it that much of surprise that I started to play the role even if it contradicted the truth.

That is the irony of rad-fem in trying to fight the evil patriarchy they end up not improving upon the situation but making it worse, in my case causing me to ignore a women pleasure via self-fulfilling prophecy. Doesn’t surprise me considering this is the same viewpoint that in order to “save” women from sex work effectively denies women their agency. However, as I said it does surprise me how ingrained those viewpoint can be in our society, to the point that I did not realize I was harboring them until now. If it wasn’t for the fact that we haven’t found a way to politicize the issue I would be sticking my head out the window in order to be sure the sky is in fact as they told me blue. …*sticks head out window anyway* yep it’s blue.

1) These managed to survive the great pornography purge of 09, I think the fact that they were mixed in with my normal reading material is what saved them.
2) Yes I’m aware most female pleasure in porn is faking it; however it no different than relating with any other actor’s playing of a character.

Yes, (imaginary) mistress!

2009-07-13T22:01:00.000-04:00

I downloaded the file. I started watching in anticipation the scene starts with them discussing how the scene is going to be, my anticipation builds eventually the action starts Dean is tied up and then pixels..pixels…pixels, the video starts slowing downing until there is nothing but a bunch of pixels on my screen.

After, a while of trying to find out what was ruining my much anticipated fun, I finally figured out the problem resolution 1280x720 it was an HD file., a wmv HD file. I’ve always found wmv to be vulnerable to this. After lamenting the fact that I’m no longer up enough on the technology curve to be able to just download a file and assume my computer can handle I opened up some programs to see if I could transcode the file into something my computer could handle. I left the computer transcoding the file down to standard def to see if that would help or just create a garbled mess. However, I still felt the need for some sexual exploration and I wanted it to of a submissive flavor.

Thinking for a moment there was a certain set of thoughts that have been repeating in my brain since I had my first real submissive fantasy. I kept picturing the scene I have seen in porn women liking cum off…well off pretty much any flat surface on which the aforementioned cum could be deposited; then imaging me licking my own cum in the same way in order to arouse some female mistress. I decided I was going to explore this a bit more.I went downstairs and got a plate; just because I had fantasized about licking cum off the floor didn’t mean I actually felt like licking the floor.

I went into the master bath took off all my clothes and got on my knees feeling the hard tilts underneath them and got to work. I started by mentally repeating the brief but intense kink.com clip I mentioned in my previous post, then I begin picturing an imagery mistress asking me to cum for her and lick it for her amusement. As I masturbated I used my free hand to give myself some whacks on my own ass, I wasn’t hitting myself particularly hard but a little string followed by a little heat...it was certainly adding to the experience. Eventually I came spilling my seed upon the waiting receptacle. I bent down slowly hesitantly at first before putting my tongue on the plate, like my previous experience the texture of the first big tongueful was a bit odd but the subsequent ones less so…they felt dare I say it rather pleasant. After licking my plate clean literally, I got in the shower and thought about what I did for a bit.

First, off this was a different type of masturbatory experience I wasn’t just jerking myself off to porn or a mental movie in my head. The getting on my knees, the deliberate choice of the hard bathroom titles, the smacking of my own ass and of course the eating of my own cum; even if it was just masturbation I was acting it out in a way I never had.

Secondly, I watched a documentary called Indie Sex once about sex in film mainly in independent films and it talked about how male masturbation is frequently used as something pathetic or humorous America Pie being an example. Interesting topic in general but in the context of this experience that thought only added to the self-humiliation tones of it all.

When I got out, I took the plate I used to throw in the trash and thought to myself: “Do they make disposable plates in black?” if I do this again the contrast of black on white would probably help the look of it. If I was going to be a pervert, at least I was apparently a pervert with attention to detail.

The Final Hurdle

2009-07-10T23:06:00.000-04:00

As I said in my first post on this blog, I have pretty much gotten past all the guilt and shame I’ve felt in the past about my own sexual fantasies (BDSM, rough sex, humiliation etc.). However, there is still one thing that until recently made me very unease with my desires. Me and my mother have never had a particularly good relationship (Short version: personality conflicts leading to complete, total, and unless something radical happens irreparable communication breakdown and dysfunction). This has always left me with this sinking feeling that my fantasies where somehow an indicator of some latent misogyny; or some sick continuation of the screwed-up dynamics of my mother-son relationship. This intense, deep, visceral fear that this kink, this pleasure, was just I sign of how broken I was; that I was damaged beyond repair; that as much as I’ve tried to not let that relationship taint my others in life it had, it was crippling. Even now just, reliving those emotions for the sake of writing this post drains me greatly.

In my mind, I knew this did not make sense but the thoughts reminded regardless. It was until I started experimenting with submissive fantasies as opposed to dominance fantasies that it all finally *clicked*. Once I saw things from a different angle; an angle whose imagery was not as historically charged; an angel that wasn’t as constantly distorted and twisted by the narrowed mind and those with extremist political agendas, the obvious finally became clear. What were the elements that defined the dysfunctional relationship I have with my mother: distrust and horrendous lack of communication. What on the other hand were the defining traits of safe, sane, and consensual kink: trust and communication. What was on the surface didn’t matter the underlying dynamics of these scene were the diametrical opposite of what I feared they represented. Maitresse Madeline and Dean Strong, likely commutated more in the time it took to make the kink.com scene I mentioned in my previous post than me and my mother have in the last month (or year). For me to even consider being tied up and have my ass wacked with a single tail by a women doesn’t suggest some latent distrust of women it suggested the opposite an incredible capacity for trust. Similarly, in the opposite direction a women would have to trust me greatly in order to let me do anything like that to her. This wasn’t something I had to run away from, if anything it was something positive something good, something that has final *clicked*…to the crack of a whip no less :).

Yes! May I have another?

2009-07-09T23:31:00.000-04:00

Having recently had my first inkling of submissive (as opposed to dominate) sexual fantasy I went to Kink.com to look at the previews for thier Men in Pain section. Now I was not a stranger to Kink.com, the Training of O had been my favorite, but I had never imagined I would ever be surfing there femdom section. Curious I looked at the preview pics and eventually picked a video preview to watch, specifically this preview: http://ads.meninpain.com/imagedb/6661/v/h/320/hires/6661_7.wmv. Now the clip was only 45 seconds or so in length but those were some of the most intense seconds I’ve ever felt. I didn’t think I’d get aroused so easily but I did. It was sensory overload trying to process this new exciting form of sexual data. I watched it once and masturbated myself to one of the most intense orgasms I’ve had in my life… then to another orgasms immediately after. Several things surprised about this short but intense experience:

1) The intensity I felt, seriously it was a 45 second clip. (I lost control after 45 seconds on dear maybe I do need some umm..discipline.)

2) I enjoyed hearing Maitresse Madeline screaming “what have you learned about serving a women” at Dean while she violently slammed her heels on the floor far more then I would have imaged I would have.

3) What surprised me the most was I figured the cock and ball stuff would be the most intense to watch but they weren’t the most intense. The wack she gave to his ass was, I’ve seem female asses get whipped I figured how different could it be? O, was I wrong! When I heard the smack I jumped -in very good way.

4) I said I came twice after the clip; having my orgasms in pairs isn’t unusual but even that was a little different than normal. Usually the first orgasm is the warm-up for the stronger second one. In this case, the first was simply mind-numbing; the second while good was more of a pleasant necessity in order to clear out the remaining horny-ness.

I’m very curious to see how I will react to the whole scene. *Runs to find a torrent.*

A Taste of Cum

2009-07-08T01:49:00.000-04:00

It might be a reflection on the nature of blogging that the first thing I end up posting on this thing is a story about masturbation (the original first post candidate was a 5 page analyses of Texas v. Lawrence, I swear!). Right now, my life…. is not quite, what it should be. The past few months have been difficult in variety of ways however, the experiences have not been without their benefits. I have learned life is too short, as the cliché goes; I have been spending to much time over-thinking and under experiencing; too much time trying to meet some expectation of what I should be instead of just allowing myself to be.

There is one experience within the turmoil of the preceding mouths, that made this realization take on a sexual context- I spent 3 weeks being basically an anti-porn, anti-sex, anti-male (you know how weird this is when you are a male?) radical feminist. Once I snapped out of it (I plead temporary insanity), I became determined to fully embrace and explore my sexuality. Now it was not as thought I was some sexual naive; Kink.com and I weren’t strangers for example :). What changed between then and now however was the shame and guilt I felt about it; I was no longer going to feel guilty because my sexual fantasy did not fit the missionary position model of sexual activity; I was not going to flagellate myself for well…. watching other people be flagellated.

Problem. The same circumstances that lead me to these revelations have also left me with little chance of exploring my sexuality with another human being. However, I had still my (dirty) mind; my hands and a broadband internet connection to work with. I did not see how much I could possible explore with just me and my hands but whatever exploration I could do I was going to do. The determination was in my mind but it had no direction then I read Alexia’s fascinating post about her first buttfuck I finally had a simple idea on how I could push myself out of my own comfort zone. A little lube, a little finger, and a little butthole. Seemed pretty easy; so I went to bed that night ready to test adding anal play to my masturbation routine.

Problem. Now I had lube and a fleshlight I bought them as a birthday present to myself (but again while I somehow summoned the courage to by the thing I been too embarrassed to really use it) but they were not where I remember leaving them. Did I throw them out during the above-mentioned rad-fem phase? (I threw out a lot of porn and such in those three weeks). I did not think I did but I wasn’t in the mood to search out where else I might have left them. I was not putting anything up my ass without lube, I stopped for a monument to note that even that last sentence signaled a different way of thinking then I had before, so the night was not a complete waste. Slightly, disappointed that my plans for the night were ruined I was ready to go to sleep. Then I thought to myself the point was I needed to do something different to breakout my rut to get myself out of my comfort zone to do… something. That was when a grin came across my face, I thought of something nastier then what I was planning, and if wanting to experiment with digital stimulation didn’t suggest I was moving pass our culture’s latent homophobia this definite did. I decided I was going to taste my own cum.

I reached down and started masturbating; there was nothing note worthy, at least at the time, about how I reached my climax. I ejaculated over my hand and stomach. I hesitatingly brought my hand to my mouth *gulp*… hmm… not bad really, it was pretty tasteless; the texture was odd but not unpleasant. I swear I tasted something similar but can’t remember what (and you would think I would remember if I did this little experiment before). Well I had tasted my own semen and lived and was still completely heterosexual to boot. hmm... there was still some splattered across my stomach may as well finish the job. I had to chuckle at myself for a moment as I basically played with the stuff a la the females in so many porn movies until I bought all of it to my mouth and swallowed.

Finished with my experiment I went down stairs and made myself a sandwich. While I was eating it ,noting thankfully that semen did not appear to have an aftertaste, I thought about what I did. The taste of cum certainly wasn’t so disgusting that it was an inherently horrific experience for the receiver I knew that now, but beyond that what good was my little self-tasting going to bring going back upstairs I think I found my answer. I thought about the times I’ve seen women in porn licking cum off floors, tables furniture, each other so on and so for and flipped the scenario around. Picturing that I was the one being made to lick up my own load by some short of harsh mistress… I had my second orgasm of the night and fell asleep thinking to myself:

“I think I just had my first submissive fantasy”

Maybe there was sexual exploration to be done with just my hands, an internet connection and me.